I'm recovering from some sort of
Typhoid Mary type of stomach virus (Norovirus, e-coli, or Salmonella). It all
started Sunday night, 07 July 2013. I was watching a movie with my buddies and
all of a sudden I got really nauseous. So I ran off into the bushes in the dark
and puked my guts out. Unfortunately for me I had eaten beans earlier, not fun
coming up. I went and brushed my teeth and tried to watch more of the movie.
About 15 minutes later I am back in the bushes puking again. Now this isn't a “puke
a little, then I'm all done” type of episode. This is me vomiting so hard my
eyes are watering and I can't breathe because my body is just gagging itself
constantly.
So, by the time this is all over the movie is done and I leave and go back to my room. I try to drink some water and relax. At this point my stomach is so distended it hurts to even rest my hand on it. I lay down and try to rest, but I suddenly get a hot flash and have to run outside and puke some more. This is still really intense vomiting, still beans mixed with something very bitter, I'm guessing some substance from deep in my guts that only scientists and my fairy god mother know about.
This pattern goes on until 0230, and at one point I am hanging onto my doorknob outside with one hand on the wall just puking. Now with all that water I’ve been sipping, in a futile attempt to make myself feel better, the vomit is now coming out of my mouth and out of my nose. At this point I really wanted my world to end. Somewhere in the back of my mind, where my consciousness had withdrawn to during this horrid event, I said to myself, please G-d just make it stop. But no, the vomit just kept coming. What the hell did I eat? Oh yeah beans! I didn’t even eat that much. Were these some sort of evil magic beans that multiply in your stomach due to some sort of sick witchcraft?!
So, by the time this is all over the movie is done and I leave and go back to my room. I try to drink some water and relax. At this point my stomach is so distended it hurts to even rest my hand on it. I lay down and try to rest, but I suddenly get a hot flash and have to run outside and puke some more. This is still really intense vomiting, still beans mixed with something very bitter, I'm guessing some substance from deep in my guts that only scientists and my fairy god mother know about.
This pattern goes on until 0230, and at one point I am hanging onto my doorknob outside with one hand on the wall just puking. Now with all that water I’ve been sipping, in a futile attempt to make myself feel better, the vomit is now coming out of my mouth and out of my nose. At this point I really wanted my world to end. Somewhere in the back of my mind, where my consciousness had withdrawn to during this horrid event, I said to myself, please G-d just make it stop. But no, the vomit just kept coming. What the hell did I eat? Oh yeah beans! I didn’t even eat that much. Were these some sort of evil magic beans that multiply in your stomach due to some sort of sick witchcraft?!
Oh and I forgot the best part, I
shit myself twice!
At one point between me trying to rest and having to get up and vomit, I felt like I had to fart really bad. It seemed like a welcome reprieve from all this abdominal cramping. So I let one go... That wasn't a fart, it was a shart. I shit myself... It happens right? ...right?
So I take off my soiled underwear and use baby wipes to clean myself. I just put my shorts back on, because I have no time to bend over rummaging for clean drawers. I go back to puking. The round of vomiting ends and I lay down, shaky and scared that I will puke more. I fall asleep for about 30 minutes and wake up to hot flashes. Crap! Here we go again. I barely get my flip flops on and get out the door when I start to puke again. Hello all you gross little Afghani bugs. Fuck you down there crawling around laughing at my infidel pain. Ugh, I finally stop vomiting and I get back into the room and a horrible stomach cramp has me in its clutches. Crap! Shit myself again... It happens, OK? ...OK!?
So, between puking and trying to sleep, I am driving to the port-o-potty about a tenth of a mile away. Not that far right? I would have shit myself walking there if I hadn't driven. This goes on for a long while, back and forth to the port-o-potty, and vomiting uncontrollably.
So, I fall asleep at 0230 wake up at about 0600 feeling like I died. I get ready for work and as I am getting ready I notice my boss walking by (he sleeps nearby) I step out to tell him of my unfortunate adventure that night. He turns to me and says he is so sick and he was up all night puking and shitting.
So, both of us are sick. Turns out about 15 people on our base are sick. I had to eventually get two IVs, one saline and one lactated ringer. I have a 100.2 degree fever and it is day five now. I haven't puked since that night but I am still pissing out of my ass. Oh and Tylenol is pure fairy dust pressed into a pill. It makes the fever go away, I love it. I finally ate an actual meal this morning. Up until now I was eating crackers and water because I just couldn't stomach anything. I am on the tail end of this horrible experience; boy did it suck the life out of me. I must have lost at least 7 pounds by just shitting and puking every last drop of liquid from my body.
At one point between me trying to rest and having to get up and vomit, I felt like I had to fart really bad. It seemed like a welcome reprieve from all this abdominal cramping. So I let one go... That wasn't a fart, it was a shart. I shit myself... It happens right? ...right?
So I take off my soiled underwear and use baby wipes to clean myself. I just put my shorts back on, because I have no time to bend over rummaging for clean drawers. I go back to puking. The round of vomiting ends and I lay down, shaky and scared that I will puke more. I fall asleep for about 30 minutes and wake up to hot flashes. Crap! Here we go again. I barely get my flip flops on and get out the door when I start to puke again. Hello all you gross little Afghani bugs. Fuck you down there crawling around laughing at my infidel pain. Ugh, I finally stop vomiting and I get back into the room and a horrible stomach cramp has me in its clutches. Crap! Shit myself again... It happens, OK? ...OK!?
So, between puking and trying to sleep, I am driving to the port-o-potty about a tenth of a mile away. Not that far right? I would have shit myself walking there if I hadn't driven. This goes on for a long while, back and forth to the port-o-potty, and vomiting uncontrollably.
So, I fall asleep at 0230 wake up at about 0600 feeling like I died. I get ready for work and as I am getting ready I notice my boss walking by (he sleeps nearby) I step out to tell him of my unfortunate adventure that night. He turns to me and says he is so sick and he was up all night puking and shitting.
So, both of us are sick. Turns out about 15 people on our base are sick. I had to eventually get two IVs, one saline and one lactated ringer. I have a 100.2 degree fever and it is day five now. I haven't puked since that night but I am still pissing out of my ass. Oh and Tylenol is pure fairy dust pressed into a pill. It makes the fever go away, I love it. I finally ate an actual meal this morning. Up until now I was eating crackers and water because I just couldn't stomach anything. I am on the tail end of this horrible experience; boy did it suck the life out of me. I must have lost at least 7 pounds by just shitting and puking every last drop of liquid from my body.
Eff you Afghanistan.
-JTP
11 July 2013
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